Out of Mongolia

Many are cold, but few are frozen 
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January 27, 2009

Help! I Have a Crush on My Colleague's Avatar!

Our office uses Yahoo Messenger to communicate. It's great when I'm working from home or on the road; I can even use it on my Blackberry. But it's not always smooth sailing:  I've developed a crush on the stunning Avatar of one of my colleagues.  It's not just pretty face, it actually smiles at you every now and then. And blinks.

I must have a thing for animated women. I remember being smitten by Snow White (in the Disney film) when I was five. Then in high school, at a vulnerable age, I was exposed to Jessica Rabbit. After I recovered from that, I actually dated real women, in spite of the appearance of the Little Mermaid and other smokin' Disney characters. But when Avatars were invented, I broke down and suffered a relapse. Now I'm wondering if I should hire a cartoonist to draw my wife.

If there are any other Avatar pervs out there, be informed: I've edited out the Yahoo username in the picture. Go stalk another Avatar.

Update: Stephanie Lim wrote an amazing post about www.idrawgirls.com. Now I'm really in trouble.

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Filed under  //   Avatar   Humor   Jessica Rabbit   Mermaid   Snow White   Work   Yahoo  

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December 10, 2008

Why I Would Suck at Being a Space Colonist

I'm an adaptable guy. I've lived in a lot of wild places, among people from vastly different cultures. In some places, I lived without heat, water, or electricity. So you'd think I'd be an ideal candidate for colonizing new planets, where conditions would be vastly different from those on Earth. But Mongolia has taught me a lesson: I would actually suck at being a space colonist.


Mongolia is the closest I'll ever be to living on an alien planet. Conditions here are extreme. This morning, it was a body-numbing -27º, so cold that your sinuses crack when you inhale. In winter, the air in Ulaanbaatar is toxic, not unlike the atmosphere of Jupiter. And it's either light or dark most of the time, depending on the time of year: right now we only get about eight or nine hours of daylight.

I say No to colonizing other planets

I am not adapting well to these conditions. I don't sleep well in summer, when it's light from 4am to 11pm, and in winter I hardly dare to breathe. I have to wear so many layers of clothing that I can't find my cell phone before the caller gives up. I just hate that.

Conditions on other planets would probably be more extreme. What if there were two suns, and it never got dark? Or if the sky was the wrong color? Of if there were a whole bunch of moons, orbiting irregularly?  I don't think I could handle it.

So I've had to readjust my entire sense of identity. I am not adaptable. I dream of living within 1000 km of the equator, where it gets light and dark at the same time all year round, and the temperature almost never changes. Heat? Humidity? Bring it on! Your skin never dries out and you don't need a jacket. Or Chapstick. Ever.

Space colonization? No thanks! Good thing I never had the choice.

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Filed under  //   Alien   Cold   Colonization   Extreme   Humor   Mongolia   Planet   Space  

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December 5, 2008

I'm a Bad Daddy

Last night I went to my kids' Winter Concert. I hated it. Does that mean I'm a bad daddy? Maybe so. But my suffering was real.

Just think about it. I had to watch performances from preschool through Grade 5 in a gym with horrible acoustics. The theme? Peace! Hello? Mongolia is not exactly at war with anyone, and hasn't been for generations. The theme ought to have been "let's improve the business environment so that investors don't leave" or something else relevant to the country.

And the performances? The horror, the horror! You can imagine the technical skills of small children. Mostly out-of-tune screeches and wails. Preschool was only bearable because of their incredible cuteness. The 5th graders were also OK, since at that age they're starting to show the very beginnings of talent.

Are they 3rd Graders, or are they flesh-eating Zombies?

But  there is a huge gap between the cuteness and talent. Grade 3, my son's class, is right in the middle. These poor kids performed  "The Hora," a traditional Jewish folk dance. The entire class stumbled clumsily in circles, like the zombies in "Night of the Living Dead."  An insult to Jewish history and culture, in my opinion.

I know that school concerts are good for children's development, and that it is my duty as a parent to watch them and praise them. I will do that. But I will continue to suffer at school concerts, at least until my kids are in 5th grade. When I think that this dark scenario is being repeated all over the world, year after year after year, I feel the collective pain of parents everywhere. 

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Filed under  //   Humor   Kids   School   Suffering   Torture   Zombies  

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